So apparently there is going to be this new show on one of the major networks called “American Inventor”. From what I can tell, it’s going to be a competition type show where people come up with inventions for fabulous prizes. And the winning invention will probably be made in China for the mass-market television zombies to buy and use.

I’m a little jaded about the whole invention process.

When I was in elementary school, there was a competition held one year for child inventors. It was going to be one of these contests where kids invent things, and then the best invention would win a prize… most likely a Schwinn Bicycle and a Crisp, New, One Hundred Dollar Bill. Now, I don’t remember the name of the company that was putting on the contest, but I do remember that years later, it was discovered that this company had only come up with this contest for the sole purpose of stealing ideas for inventions without having to pay any royalties to the inventor. Basically, because the inventors were 6 years old, and were egregiously under-represented by legal counsel. I don’t know how much money this company made off of us poor kids, but I do remember my invention clearly: Icing Hats.

You read that right. Icing Hats. My mother told me that I should look for a way to improve people’s lives with my invention. I figured what better way to improve people’s lives than to save them time? And what is one of the most annoying, time-consuming tasks that almost everyone must perform on a daily basis? Of course, I am talking about Icing A Cake.

I could never put frosting on a cake and make it look presentable. So, my idea was to have a series of ready-made, pre-formed… well, Icing Hats that you could simply unwrap, unfold, and lay onto a baked cake. I never figured out how to make a working prototype, because Mom only bought me one can of frosting, and I ate most of it while working diligently on an artistic rendering of my finished invention, which ended up looking simply like a frosted cake.

And I bet you have figured out that my invention never made it to market, simply because you are still trudging through your daily life with your dangerous flat icing knives, messy tubs of frosting, and uneven cake decorations. But perhaps now is the right time for Icing Hats to become the norm.

We got a new product in at the Store a few months ago. It’s basically a cake in a bag. You could buy a cake mix in a box, but then you have to go home, find an egg (and really, who keeps those things around the house?), procure some cooking oil, and then find some water and a bowl to mix it all in… as if anyone has the time for all that. So, all of the fantastical pipe-dreams of the Lazy American Public were been answered with the new Cake in a Bag. Just open the bag, pour it in a pan, and bake it.

I think this product has been discontinued now, as I can’t find it anywhere. And of course, the reason it was discontinued is that the baking of the cake is not what people had the trouble with. It was the icing of the cake that caused all the chaos. That’s where me and my invention comes in. So what are you waiting for, Corporate America?

Make me rich.